relationships and things

since making the choice to come back home i keep thinking about my relationships with people. there and here.

i just like people. i don't think this has to always be so sexual in nature nor does it have to have any other expectation than just being with people that we feel are close to us in our ways of thinking and living.

i am sorry i left when i did but at the same time i suppose i don't have to go through life saying 'what if' and i am grateful for paul and sarah right now, so much so that i keep crying about it. one day i hope i run out of tears.

life is a series of choices. ones we can't feel bad about. so i don't feel bad about leaving and i don't feel bad about coming home. my dad has been sick and i want to be closer. not that i have any real feelings about him at the moment but in the end he is still breathing and i suppose sort of still my dad.....

i was building a life in DC, laying roots down......when i get scared i tend to want to rip those up and move along. i want to stop doing this. i want to 'settle' down in some ways. i want to apply myself better and slag my way through school so that i can formally teach children how to speak properly.

i want to get along better with people. i want to compromise and i want to understand where people are coming from. i want to love and be loved and i know i am and i know i do love.

sometimes i don't know why i was put on this planet under such odd circumstances but do any of us really know the answer to this question?

what i do know and realize is that i have overcome it. i have tried my best to not repeat the mistakes of my parents. that i want to live a life to find happiness and peace with myself and who i am.

at times i am just a scared little girl who feels like she got cheated out of how to live properly. how to deal with people properly. my friends that love me love me unconditionally and this is what i am grateful for the most. that there are those that have never stopped believing in who i am. that i continue to fight the demons i have inside me.

last summer seems like a lifetime ago when i was getting off some heavy things and i don't know if i would have made it if it wasn't for sheer will and the support of some very understanding people.

i miss my home. i miss the kids. i miss the life long friends i was making and still thankfully have in my life. i want to be stable. i want to stop running away.

no one is perfect.

i have spent so much time alone here and a lot of time seeing new things and meeting new people which has opened me up to new ideas and ways of being.

i feel that i have been humbled but i have not stopped seeing the ridiculous things in the world....

thanks for being supportive of me friends.....thank you for allowing me to come back into your lives.

now i am off to see bruno!