.........

there is a sort of pit in my stomach.

i didn't want to wake up. i don't know if i am awake at all.

quite possible that we all have had this pit in our stomachs.
survival.

words currently escape me. i can try to shuffle what i feel like into some coherent paragraph but i am not sure how to do it.

i just wanted someone to feel like me for a second. a millisecond. a nanosecond.

did i learn an important lesson last night?

i think in some ways....i already knew these things about myself....but everyday i don't think so. i am not always who she said i was. no. i won't believe that, i can't believe that.

she said other parents don't care because they didn't give me detailed instructions but i begged and begged to differ and it made no use. freedom isn't allowed for her and this is something i came to terms with last night.

denying the idea that children are robots to be forced into submission.

i understand my defenses when i feel like i am being attacked.

perhaps i am too defensive. how did sarah and paul put up with me? why did they? because of the kids. because if i was defensive with them, i never was with the kids. i never took it out on the kids.

so she said it boiled down to communication and expectation. if we just communicated more then there would be no issues but i countered that no matter the amount of communication i still would never be able to live up to their expectation of me. we had meeting after meeting and i did the best i could. i tried so hard not to cry. i did pretty good until i got so frustrated with getting hammered about how awful i felt...that i failed somehow.

no matter what happens i am coming home to DC in october armed with more lessons about who i am in the grand scheme of things. hopefully grown a bit.