i went to zurich and i wept a bit on the way home because of how grateful i am for my life. for the people in it. for the chances i have had and have given myself based on the circumstance of where i come from. who i have been meeting and where they come from and how big the world is and how so many people suffer and we all are just trying to do the same things. figure out who we are.....what we are doing.....where to go from here when we get there will we know it..
how common the theme is with people.....searching and going with flows....going from point A to point B.....struggling and enjoying prosperity. teaching others by example and trying to put our best foot forward to find this happiness i know we are all seeking.
life is about choices. we all have to make them, we really have no choice....or do we? not sure sometimes but making choices can be hard or easy depending on your demeanor.
i keep hearing about so many deaths. friends of friends....cats.
accidents...bike spills, motorbike accidents....a lady friend of emily was hit by a car in philly and has a broken back too.
so this leads us to circumstance. we have them. we do what we can to survive, be happy, lead successful lives, be adults, be children......we think and have feelings but sometimes some people i guess the phrase is "wear them on their sleeves" and i wonder now if this isn't the kind of person i am.
sometimes there is no right or wrong answer. there just is...
as my pal says, the report card is in my own head and it is up to me to give myself the grade i feel i deserve in this thing called life.
so far i know i have not failed. i have been ok. i have chosen poorly and sometimes very wisely. hopefully i get wiser as the time wears on.
i have made my bed. i sleep in it every night (on the good nights) wake up and i am still me. if i can look in the mirror every evening before i go to bed and ask myself if i was good today...that i can apologize to myself if i did something that wasn't very nice...that i can congratulate myself on having my awesome me 'moments' then i am okay. i am breathing still and grateful for every moment of it even though i do things that are shortening my life.
so then too life is a contradiction.
on the train home i was reading about when i first got here.....it's very interesting to see where my mind was. this is why i write in journals. i like to go back and read who i was.....maybe this helps gain a better understanding of myself and how i go about doing things now a days.
some things i do exactly the same and other things i think totally differently. life is a magnetic field of opposites. there's always another side.
what exactly is there to regret about any choice we make? we've made beds, all of us. with choices there is one or the other. we make one and later what happens if we say 'what if?'
should (not the best word) we even be saying what if? there doesn't seem to be a 'what if' because we cannot go back and change time. we cannot say well if i had gone here or did that then such and such would have happened.
i say this a lot to people and some of my older texas friends can attest that i was a real pill to be around. being young and figuring out life is hard! i had lost some of the guidance i thought i wanted and took it as a sign that i had to just keep on moving. keep on trying the best i could to get somewhere. somewhere is right now right here in basel switzerland.
this is where i have landed today.
things happen, plans change, accidents occur, people die and yet we still keep on going. we have to.
this is why i never understood depression. i had seen it in a cousin and it wasn't scary to me but it was hard to understand how a person couldn't muster the hutzpah to get out of bed to do something, anything.
i always thought that because i am sad a lot that this means i am depressed. i like to think i am not depressed but sometimes just wonder if i should be on something too....i never wanted to be on any of those medications. obviously i preferred something else but i digress as those days are over.....but now i am curious as to the fact that i have (i must have) mild PTSD and some sort of mood disorder.
these things are hard to admit to myself. i have always wanted to be strong and i am strong. i think i try my best and people see it so i am validated. obviously you should know that i actually seek validation.
i seek validation because no one validated me when i should have been. this is one thing about my life that i feel like i am learning now when i should have learned it then.....that i was smart, or that i was pretty, or that i could be whatever i wanted to be...now i seek positive encouragement/validation from friends because i want to feel okay with who i am now...
so i talk about the decisions i make openly in order to also validate myself and to somehow see if other people agree that what i am doing is good for me. as if i can't seem to figure out that it is really okay that i do things for myself. that it makes no lick of difference to people unless they are directly affected by my decision.
maybe i just don't feel like i have a 'go to' person. i have a lot of them instead.
i think what i mostly mean without coming across as feeling sorry for myself but a parent. i want a parent to talk to. i know some of my friends that also have lost their parents and mine are still around but well, we all know the situation there so i feel like sometimes i just want a parent to talk to and instead force my friends to be my parents when all they are trying to do is the same thing i am trying to do.
get along in life and be happy and whatever else it is.
sure we want to help our friends but there is only so much we can do. i learned that two summers ago.
this is very long but i type so much faster than i write and i was on the wobbly train so i made some notes and had to get this out somewhere.
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