speaking and listening

sometimes adults like to tell kids to speak only when spoken to.
i have never really liked that phrase but just the same i tend to use this advice.

sometimes i want people to listen to me, to really listen.
sometimes what i have to say is important......

i just wanted honesty. i just wanted to know....what i did right and what i did wrong.

i did something really stupid last night. it could come back to bite me in the ass or it might not. i'll have to give it some time to process.

maybe the best way to say good bye is to just go.
i cannot be sure but what i do now know is more of what i want, what i expect.
it is not bad to know what we want as people.

it is good to have experiences with others so that we can better understand ourselves and what we seek and desire in this life.

for some it's drinking or drugs because that fills the emptiness inside. for some it's race car driving. for some it is meaningless sex with strangers. you name it someone does it to fill that void inside of them.

but what about just learning to fill our own voids? i am not opposed to this and i believe i have achieved it through making art. by thinking. by writing down all the things i do that are bad that are good and filtering it all and filing it away for when i might need it in the future. to remember.

i have come to know that i want honesty. i want someone to be able to talk to me about anything however mundane or inconsequential. i want people to tell me their dreams and ideas. i want to fully understand where someone is coming from especially if i care about them.

i learned here though, that no matter how much care i have had, i didn't get what i wanted. this is okay with me. i just keep on living and growing. no harm no foul. just a bit of a bruised soul and heart that heals over time as i keep on going.

i wrote this poem a long time ago. it's weird to read and as someone said it's much better if it is read aloud. perhaps i will make it into some weird experimental song one day.

for ages now:

For ages now we have been striving to understand the circumstances that surround us
Watching the bastards multiply at a rapid rate of speed
Melted plastic oozing from within, drawing blood
Extinguished miscreants belch on the merchandise
They compromise the conclusion set forth by intrusion
Butchering untrained soldiers until there are no more imperfections
Deafening screeches of dementia slaughter with imperfect magnificence
Rounding the truth that was unstable delivers our unpleasant chaos
Delightful pigeons rejoice in front of another image
Pausing to replace their spasmodic feathers
Initiating first rites among those who cannot sleep
We instill the expiration into their brain cells
Knowing that knowledge is nothing ever unless freedom is consistent