i am sorry for worrying peoples!

i think this has been a really emotional week for me. i apologize for worrying anyone. i am fine. just a bit stressed about the fact it will cost me 100 francs just to ship my stupid didgeridoo and if TSA/BA/Security didn't think it was a weapon then i could just bring it on the plane but i guess a giant wooden stick...well, sticks out! i had to ask my friend for financial help...which is always weird. i don't really have 'family' to ask for help in these kinds of situations...and i am just nervous that i won't get the deposit back or that it will cost more to get my two bags home....shipping two boxes....that sort of thing.

when i took this job i thought...okay this is a whole new phase of my life. i really thought i would make some kind of difference...which i think i have with the kids.

i just wasn't what the parents wanted.

i am not a parent. i am not sure i will ever be a parent. i don't know what it is like to be a stay at home mom, especially with a somewhat special needs child. what i do know is how to have fun with kids, to explore with kids, to teach them and to let them grow at their own paces.

when i first arrived it was an adjustment...getting used to all the many appointments that gernot had to go to, remembering where to go, getting lost and finding my way back home!

i say that took a good month or so then i had to find a flat which i did then i spent all this money to get a bed and other things. fine, no worries.

i essentially did what i did in all my other nanny jobs....although we had so many things to go to everyday so it was still rough for me to get a 'schedule' but i managed to get a proper nap schedule (before me poor wolfram hardly got a nap because you know who was always keeping them up....during the 'training' period she hardly let them nap thereby making really cranky kids....) lunches and just play time.

i stressed play time and parks/zoo or whatever because most of the other times we spent going going going.

after a couple months they told me i wasn't doing what they wanted me to do. which i felt was odd. the kids were learning english, we were playing and learning....but i was doing it my way which was apparently the wrong way. i thought i was being micromanaged and said as much. this didn't go over well.....i just felt bad for the kids....gernot sometimes looked so exasperated when it was always time to go to some other appointment. i figured....why are they paying these therapists when they are also paying me. i was doing speech and OT type things...i dunno.

either way, this just led to a lot of animosity.

i wasn't going to quit. i was going to stick it out but it just became too much for me. it was so hard for me to explain....before i was her nanny she would ask me about development for the kids...about foods....about lots of things. that was no longer the case and i was no longer allowed to have my opinion. so i sort of shut down with the parents. they asked for a food list and they didn't get anything on the list to try claiming that they wouldn't eat it....they said 'the kids don't eat eggs' and so i asked them to get eggs. they did and the kids loved them. the parents were shocked. it was just all these small things....we were constantly on the go so during the off times i just let the kids do what they wanted. that seemed fair to both kids. they love playing with trains so we would do that. they like me to read curious george so i did that a lot.

then i was asked to make them a daily schedule. this was over the top for me. so i drafted some kind of schedule ensuring that i put the very little free time in there and said that i wanted the kids to be outside if it was nice....also mom and dad disagreed about this. dad said it was okay for them to go out in the mornings and in the afternoons. she didn't think this was a good idea. so what is the nanny supposed to do. it just felt like none of us were on the same page.

so after this period i decided i wasn't going to be doing what they wanted so i decided to quit.

since then it's been quite weird. the mom hardly looks at me...leaves me notes around the house or will send a text/email to let me know what she wants and i do what she asks.

this past week however, i don't know....i just feel done. i feel like i have done the best i could and i feel like a total failure. i know i am not a failure but it sure feels like it some days.

it has been making me evaluate if i really am a good nanny or not. i know i am. i have many families that could attest to this.....

i have been sad about leaving because of my friend louis....my friends in basel azmina and james/daniella and their cute baby jessica.....my friend henri....

i didn't mean to worry anyone.

i am sorry i did. i have been at a loss this week and have been emailing people for advice. i wanted to just walk away, walk out leave a note and be done with it but now i know that to rise above and be the best person i can be, i will finish out my time with the kids...keep my head high and do my job just like i know how to do it!

thanks for asking about me. i hope to see you all soon.