just a thought to think about.
also, everything happens.
things happen around us to us and to those we care about.
i have reached out and have gotten feedback but ultimately choices are our own to make. how we feel what we do and how we get along.
secrets. we all have them. we share, i share. i share too much maybe. i tend to be open about who i am. where i have been and what i do. i ask questions if i don't understand where a person is coming from. i have to know their thought process.
this life i have been living here is going to end in two weeks time.
so in the end, it was temporary and onto the next phase of solid.
it took me leaving to realize what i had. i can only hope i am a better person for it. i hope i am more caring, more open, more honest and better able to communicate with people.
there isn't anything i can do to thank paul and sarah for letting me come home. i may have said it before but....i feel lucky, grateful, excited.....i never want to feel like i go backwards in life. i want to move ahead to the next great things i will do to who i will keep changing into.
i want to settle. i want roots. i want to have a home, even if i rent it. i want to be near my friends there and i want my heart to be with those that are not physically near me as they have been while i was living here.
i want to continue to erase the pain of where i come from....of what it feels like it makes me...i want to shed the past behaviors and i want to be able to move forward towards my own specific happiness.
if it is school then it is school. if it is starting an art collective in DC then it's that. maybe it can be all the things i want it to be. i want to always grow. i want to always check myself and i want people to check me too when i am being a pain in the ass.
because really, i am still a pain in the ass!
(just not as big a pain i think....)
i hold dear the things here that i love and will come home in two weeks to hold dear what i love there.
...i can't wait to meet dave's cats.....i can't wait to meet leanne and to see brian and lucas again.....i will come home to henry's 4th birthday and a much taller catherine.....i will come home to the wedding of two of my neatest and dearest friends (dressed in the nicest slacks i have and a bright red swiss sweatshirt)......i want corey to help me get a new camera....i want to play music again with jeff.....provided my didgeridoo makes it home.....i want to go drinking with topping and make laughter at his expense and watch him get mad at me over and over again....i want a home cooked meal from seamus.....i want to see diane because i have not heard from her since i left....i long for a good IPA with ballsy.....i want to finally go goth dancing with wisher....i want diner food.....cheap movies.....i want to hug brad for helping me get my ticket home (best gift EVER).....i want to work with mac on the art for his book....i want science chats with fortran......i want chip to make me my french baguette......i want to wrestle with knickerslacker....i want to make art with dale and lydia.....i want a cool place to live......there is so much change and so much beauty in the world and all these beautiful people have cared about me.......so while i have no real family to speak of, you are all my family......
i want to break free of the negative thoughts i sometimes have. and i have done a mighty good job of that recently. i am truly happy for louis.....that he's found a partner in crime....that henri is learning whatever he is learning in paris....and what he will continue to learn as he moves around the world (hopefully coming to DC at some point!)....jess will continue to grow into a very cool well rounded baby because she has two of the coolest parents i know....
i want to keep being me. the only me i am in all the colors i come in.
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