going through things

we all go through things. bad things. weird things. scary things-happy things-moments - maybe they are called moments. emotional things....some people are really good at masking that sort of thing....me, probably not so much. that's ok. i can laugh at myself about it.

i have learned a great deal about people and about myself.

we're all ok. we all make it. we have other people that help hold us up. we have things we do to occupy our minds. does everyone wonder 'what if' from time to time? don't you think we are all scared of the same kinds of things, with only our own experiences to guide us? we worry about the same things.....we do what we have to do in order to survive...we do good things and get good things back.....we trust that what we are doing is the right thing and even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment, i have to say i go with my gut a lot.

someone said this to me today:

you have lived such a nomadic life, I'm surprised you're not used to it by now! I've been very envious of your adventures, but seriously this is the part I don't envy, and I'm sorry you have to transition once again.

it's true.....it's the people. i am so very sad at times but also have perfected the art of detachment.....the main reason i want to go back to DC is that i have never felt so much 'at home' as i have in DC....

i used to be sorry that i left but now i am glad i did. perhaps i realized what true roots might mean. i could still move a thousand times in DC or i could finally settle down, i don't know....but DC is my 'home' now.

there are parts of me that want to settle. settle down a bit more. make the roots. i feel so welcomed back in DC. it's a great feeling and i am going to think about that everyday. i am grateful.

maybe i did it so i could see new things. as many new things as possible and as many different cultures.

it was exciting and odd and fun.....beautiful.

i have been blessed to see and to have met so many different people

i have found that i believe in well behaved yet fun and awesome kids. that it's cool to ask questions about things but not scream and have tantrums. just easy going!

it's a very weird feeling to be leaving. saw the OT lady for the last time today and she complimented me on the behavior of gernot and wolfie and how great she thought it was. she asked why i was out last tuesday and i said i needed a 'mental health day' and she laughed.

it does certainly feel good to have someone tell me something really positive. my old pals in DC usually told me once in a while i was doing a good job or what to do better and we were always on the same page. i guess i needed this experience. i am not sure what the future holds but i do know that i want to find a way to eventually work with disadvantaged children somewhere...

for as much bullshit there is, there are far more awesome times just being me around kids and letting them be them.

on tram today wolfie and gernot both were getting a bit screamy. i said 'halt' and then said 'wait till we get off the tram, okay?'. they did and as soon as we were on the sidewalk i started screaming and they followed right along...it was really something - small but fun.

there are times i am not sure where to begin with this adventure.

it's going to come out in art probably and i look forward to playing music again.