or just my brain rambling at nothing or no one in particular.
i have always felt so transient with people. there are lots of people that i am still with. that are still with me. that i love and care about. there are many people that i had encounters with and that was that....no clue where they are or what they are up to..
i guess i am not the kind of person that just says good bye and that's that. sometimes, as i told a dear friend, perhaps it's all just how i test people. their character. i have to be with people with strong character. life is hard. things are hard. emotions add fuel to this fire and do we have the wits to withstand the heat?
half the time when i start to try to tell people how i feel it makes them uncomfortable and i just want to tell them i care.....i am not trying to make things 'weird' or 'awkward'. i have been working on getting better at it. maybe some people don't want to know that they were truly cared for. dunno. i am a survivor and have been...well, damaged. but it isn't stopping me from trying to figure out who i am and how i can just be more me like and find/keep those that are well, like this too.
on facebook i have been re connecting with some people i have not seen since oh you know the mid 90's and whoa what times those were. it's really quite interesting because these were some weird years for me...
someone also posted somewhere that they will have stories to tell and i feel like this. i will have all these stories to tell as i get older....all these things i have done....i feel like i come across as pompous but whatever...
we all have stories.
as homer said in an episode of the simpsons "I like stories"
i don't think any one persons history is inconsequential.....we have these stories because they are what made us who we are right now. wherever now is for anyone.
i guess i just wanted to say that i don't ever want to stop making stories.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
well, michelle....
ReplyDeleteat the risk of getting "deep" with you, im not sure i agree this whole thing about "testing people" . most people are challenging enough without someone prodding them 2 their brink just 2 see what happens. that kind of psychodrama is pretty unhealthy 4 me. i know exactly where my limits are, and i dont like 2 visit them when i dont have 2. playing it safe, and driving off a cliff r 2 different things. u can b open 2 people without trying 2 pry them open at the same time. i tend 2 thrive around strong personas myself, but ive learned 2 respect emotional boundaries... and i kinda learned the hard way. maybe it seems like ,at times,im just "so out there", most of the time, i actually try 2 moderate my various passions around other people...i know i get intense with people, i have 2 work at being aware of boundaries.
the fact of the matter, i can be a pretty weird person if let myself think about it like that. if i sized myself up, and accounted for all of my faults & mistakes, i wouldnt cast into the lake of fire for my transgressions, but id have some explaining 2 do for some of the shit ive pulled;
someone prodding me into some kinda grand confession of the soul might get more than they asked 4...
i think its just fair 2 let people reveal themselves as u go along. when u open your self 2 the right person at the right time, there's nothing better. when u contrive situations or confrontations just to have this "dialogue", u can end up with even more barriers than u started with. there r some things that have 2 b confronted in full daylight, but there is a real danger of being some 24-7 crusader for openness.... yknow , robert frost had it right on 1 point:
good fences make good neighbors.
i am not a crusader for 24 7 open ness.
ReplyDeletein hindsight it was the wrong person to open up to but i am really very open. i have nothing to hide and while i know i am not really testing people i think no matter how it is candy coated, we all test one another either consciously or unconsciously.
but yes, good fences to make good neighbors.
also i don't mean to say i test people. i just want honesty from people..as much i guess as they are willing to give. i don't think that's asking too much of people we become close to. do you?
ReplyDelete